To the Moon: Why My Husband is My Hero

Inspired by my SIL, Stevie and her blog.

When I think about my marriage and why we tend to work, we don't JUST work, we WANT it to work.

Making it work is something different. In some lights you have to be compatible to the person whom your attached to, either by marriage, children or relationships in general.

Brian is the complete opposite of me. I mean complete opposite. He went to college.I didn't. He is smart, far smarter than me. Probably the smartest person I've ever met. He is just plain brilliant. Sometimes I am so scared that for some reason he'll leave me to find something better and I shut him out by accident(this is what I do when I feel threatened). He is simply great. Not by a stretch either. He meets the mark and exceeds everything I could have imagined. We fit well together. Having been together almost every second of every day for the past 3 years, we don't seem to "get tired" of each other. I have learned is that different things work for different people. I'm glad we don't have those bad moments to hold onto right now. Though we may some day down the road, but for now, I am thankful we don't.

We want the same things. We both knew when we met we wanted children and wanted to share that with each other. He wanted to be a father and wanted me to be his children's mother, a task I was thrilled to take on :) Now we have a BEAUTIFUL baby daughter! We have one and are super excited for more! He is a wonderful father. Always helping me, even if I don't ask he just does. Not just with Alexa, he helps with pretty much everything around the house, from dishes, trash, fixing things ect. Nothing is to good for him.

He does work everyday and strives to do the very best he can. Taking on a new job recently to fulfill his dream of becoming an Engineer. He'll be working an hour away, but he is doing it for our family. So that Alexa, our future children and me won't ever have to worry. I'd love him doing any job, as long as he did it with integrity and was happy doing what he wanted. He worked hard getting a Bachelor's, so HE deserves this. 

His since of humor is out of this world. He can make anyone laugh. He just has a way about him. People just tend to smile when he speaks, whether it's in good fun or just listening to him talk. he does it with such finesse. I wish I were more like him.

When I say opposite, you may not have gotten the real picture. We are different in every way possible. He hates confrontation. He is peace maker at heart and it kills him when there is any kind of drama going on. He doesn't understand why people are mean, hurtful and catty. He is my voice of reason. When I feel like I am going to do and say mean things, I turn to him. He says the right things and helps me to let go of any anger I am harboring. He always tells me things like:

 "it won't change anything" 

or

"I wouldn't worry with it" 

How does he keep such a calm and cool head? 

He is just put together different then most people. He doesn't stir the pot and his maturity level extends farther then most people his age. It's astounding really.

When I feel like screaming(or I actually am) he is right there telling me to hold on and it will all be ok. 

Why am I so blessed with him? 

I just thank God everyday for my life and all the blessings in it, I don't deserve it, but he still continues to bless me profusely. 

Nope, he's not perfect. But he is perfect for me. I never plan on leaving him. I know how good I have it and would never risk giving that away or putting my kids through that. 

We have our ups and downs, but the BIG difference is we don't let it drag us DOWN. We put our heads down and plow through it -- that is marriage. You can't throw your hands up and walk out when things don't go your way. You can't call names and lie. You have to be honest, open and willing to sacrifice for the ones you love. Caring for yourself, gets you no where, but caring for someone like him, do it and you can go 

to the moon and back with your own hero :)

Rest Easy

I was startled by the phone as it rang loudly and buzzed off the wooden coffee table. As it lit up I could see my sister’s name flash across the pearly white screen. Answering it, I greeted her with “Hey, sis …?”  Pausing, she answered “get down to Dads”. A few days before, we received the news that our father’s health was steadily deteriorating and he was not expected to survive the next week. 

It was raining, suiting the mood. Throwing on my shoes and grabbing a black zip-up hoodie, I headed for the door. As I ran out of the house many thoughts raced through my mind. I started to think of how I had spent the last few years and suddenly regretting not spending more time with him. Thinking of all the: “coulda”, “shoulda”, “woulda”, took up most of my drive and before I could blink I was pulling into his driveway.

I noticed the atmosphere outside the house seemed dreary, the ground muddy and cold. January’s climate was unforgiving this particular day, though I could not feel the sting of winter when I stepped out of the car. As I walked to the door I felt several chilly rain drops descend unto my neck from the pitch of the roof and saw my breathe escape into the air when I exhaled.  I caught a glimpse of my oldest brother’s car parked alongside the house; I could tell it had been there a while. I remember the sound of the screen door as I grasped the cool metal handle and pulled it open. 

Walking down the long corridor that meets the living room, it was easy to see clutter had taken over the house. There was no real collection, just random objects placed about. He loved estate sales and pretty much lived on Ebay. He was sitting back in a sandy-toned recliner and draped with a cherry-colored blanket. The smell of cigarette smoke consumed me along with the faint smell of my dad from a recent shower. Bluegrass was playing quietly from a radio placed near a book shelf filled with old Bibles and knick knacks. The subtle light illuminating the room came from a small lamp resting atop an end table.

As I visited with my siblings we reminisced about old times. For that brief moment, the reality of what was going on escaped me. I looked over at my dad and he was fiddling along with a bluegrass song was playing. In his state of deliria caused by the cirrhosis and the kidney failure he was enduring he had no clue what was going on. I went over to him and peered into his sapphire glazed eyes. With my sister standing beside me, he spoke. “I love you, girls, so much” Astonished, we both cried.

  At home, I jumped into a hot shower to rinse the stench of sadness away. A strange feeling came over me. I prayed. I prayed that God not let him suffer anymore. I told Him that I could not stand to see my Dad like that again. “Lord, please wrap him up in your arms, amen.” I slept. The phone woke me at 4:27 a.m. My heart felt like it was in my stomach. He was gone.

I’ll never forget his handwriting. He wrote in all capital letters, it seemed to just flow right out of his pen. Like him, my brothers shared the same penmanship. A tattoo he had on his arm, ridden with wrinkles and faded ink, I can still see it. Though it was partly grey and in need of a good cut he always had a full head of hair. Mostly I remember those last days, how blue his eyes seemed and the last conversation we had. A tear slowly made its way down his cheek, which I wiped away then laid my head on his shoulder one last time.

It’s been three weeks since my dad joined Jesus in Heaven and started dancing on white fluffy clouds floating alongside roads made of gold with light feet with a bright painless face. It’s been three weeks. I find myself thinking about every last detail of those last days he spent with us. Though I’ll never fully be healed from him leaving me so young, I know one day I’ll get to throw my arms around him and hug his neck. For now, I will use what I have learned and apply it to my life to honor him the best way I can. We love you and are missing you. In the words of my brother, “Rest easy, Dad”.

This is the Essay I wrote for the Anuran 2012. Entries due by Feb 24th.

Another year gone by

As this year comes to a close & we get ready to start another one I can't help but to recap all the events of 2011..

I found out I was pregnant on January 2nd, at that moment my life would never be the same. I always knew I wanted kids, I just didn't know when. Having a baby changes everything. I know everyone says that, but you don't really understand WHAT that means until you experience it for yourself. You give up your freedom, your mind, your body. You trade your space & your sleep. You neglect your social life & your spouse. But, what you get in place of all that ... is SO worth it. You get to hold a precious child close to your heart everyday. You get to watch a miracle grow from the start. When that baby wraps its tiny little finger around yours for the first time ... words can't describe that feeling or when it looks up at you & you know that it knows your their mom(or dad), your heart is suddenly filled with warmth & sheer happiness. You act like a kid again at Christmas & instead of showing yourself off, you get to show a beautiful baby off & have people comment on how cute they are. You think more of your family & stop being selfish. You suddenly realize how mean you can be & start being more humble. I could not ever imagine NOT having Alexa ... She is my whole world. When I think if not having her, my heart aches in places I didn't know existed. Being a parent is such an honor & gift.

Alexa Spring <3

"Is happier than a turtle on an escalator" <--- my status on Facebook when I found out :)

2011 proved to be a very hard year, but also the greatest!

I've learned to let go in the year 2011. Letting new arguments dies to save old friendships has been hard, yet rewarding thing for me.I've been friends with Ashley for about 10 years now & over the last 2 1/2 we've had our fair share of what I'll call love spats. .  Though we both felt justified in our disputes, we over came those feelings & somehow got past it all & now are getting back to being as close as we once were. Though we may never be the same, we're in a new place, a more honest place & I'm so happy to have her back in my life. When you fight with someone & say hurtful things, you never know that those things may come back to haunt you & the things you say, can never be unsaid. You have to live with those words for the rest of your days. It's a hard thing to change who you are. I've always been out spoken & blunt(I still am for the most part), but this past year I learned to pause for reaction & really think about my word choices. No I can't always say the right thing or know what to say. But I am getting better & for that I am thankful.

Her daughter Addyson(right) with my daughter Alexa(left) <3

There is a 2 1/2 year difference here lol

I'm a born thinker, I read a lot into things & tear things apart to see what stuff means. I over analyze everything & put thought into pretty much everything I say, say, or do. I learned new things about people. I learned that people will use their children as weapons. They'll use them to punish you. Not realizing in the end, the children are the ones who are actually punished. I learned more about what being "GODLY" means. Just because someone goes to church & quotes scripture, daily, does NOT mean a hill of beans if they don't live by it. Hypocrites are everywhere, even in church sadly. I learned with some, you have to REALLY watch what you say. Even if that means biting a hole through your tongue. Although I think some just go around looking for a reason to be mad. I learned that marriage is work & not everyday all day is going to be perfect.

Relationships don’t work the way they do on television and in the movies: Will they, won’t they, and then they finally do and they’re happy forever — gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half the ones that get married get divorced, anyway. And I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, cause I do believe in it. Bottom line… couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but, the big difference is, they don’t let it take ‘em down.

Brian & I in October 2011.

 Est 4/28/09. Some said we wouldn't make it, some said pretty ugly things about us ...

Say what they will, we're still here & going strong. I love him to the moon & back.

After all the time that has passed from the past, I still find people talking about things that "were". Why is still a mystery to me. I don't get it & probably never will. I had a breakthrough moment not to long ago about this &  this is what I came up with:

I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as your opinion. Pay attention. Lemme see, uhh…. Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, ‘The O.C.’, the U.N., recycling, getting Punk’d, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much! The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host, Justin Beiber, the Kardashians Oh! And Hugh Jackman. Now, don't take this as a sign of self involvement, I truly do not care an ounce about these things listed above -- NOTE: I care as little about your opinion as I do these things. There are tons of things that aren't hear that I love, that have nothing to do with me such as: chocolate, Christmas, Alexa(that is a given), sarcasm, FACEBOOK(BWAHAHAHA), friends, laughing hysterically at idiocy, rambling, blogs ... you catch my drift. No really, enough with the ranting, I just stopped caring. Though when people say things & post things on Facebook or MySpace about me that has absolutely NOTHING to do with them, still can hurt my feelings, but I've just given up all together with caring. It takes to much energy. There are actually many things in life that I’ve yet to figure out, like why men wear cellphones on their belt when they could so easily fit them in their pocket mere millimeters away. Or why – women wear tube-tops even though every ten seconds they pull them back up. But, of all my endless queries, I will always wonder why people are so judgmental. Why they care so much about things that have nothing to do with their small existence. Why they tend to talk about people & critique their every move, though in the end - now listen up, this is important - it does not affect them nor will it ever play any type of role in their life *sigh* I guess it gives them some kind of self worth to make others feel as small as humanly possible. 

With all the bad, I still have so much to be thankful for. I do have some pretty great friends who are there for me every step of the way. Some old :) Some new :) Regardless of the time known, it's about the time spent!

Laurel & I (Friends for a decade!) 

Amber holding my baby :) Been friends for years(she is 38 weeks pregnant with her son Koltan here)

At my shower :) Autumn & I have been friends since 6th grade! A whopping 15 years .. I'm old LOL

Jamie & I(She is 17 wks pregnant here with her daughter Ali). I've known Jamie about 4 years I think .. Not great friends at first, but it's funny how time brings you close with people. 

Awww, my Summer :) Just after Alexa was born. I love this girl!

Laurel & Lex

So much has happened over this past year. I learned my father was in full liver failure. I've haven't seen my mom Since August of 2010, my brother moved to Kansas for the Army. My other brother & his wife Stevie had a baby girl(just a few months old then Lex!). My grandmother passed away while I was in the last stages of my pregnancy & because I was high risk I could not go with the family to see her, leaving me devastated. I almost lost my baby & my own life on August 15th -- the scariest moments of my life hours before my emergency c-section. I registered for school to finish my Surg Tech degree. My uncle passed away from cancer. We moved into our own house, finally! I gained 60 pounds & lost 55 of it, all in just 10 months. Traveled to Carrabelle FL & to the Bahamas -- both while I was pregnant. Became a mother of a beautiful baby girl August 15th @ 4:27 a.m. Celebrated our first wedding anniversary as new parents. Found some new hobbies & let go of old ones. 

Things rarely turn out you think they will & time has a way of surprising you in the end. I couldn't have imagined my life this way 3 or 4 years ago, but now, I can't imagine it any other way.

I don't hate anyone anymore. I'm not holding grudges. I know now that an opinion doesn't make me right, it just means it's my opinion. If someone wants to believe they are right & I'm wrong, it's fine. It won't wreck my world & I'll still wake up the same person tomorrow. 

2012 is almost here & my new adventures will begin & I can't wait to see what the future holds for me!