♥ Life as I know it ♥: October 2010

Living in a small town was hard enough. Living in a town with a few thousand compared to the big cites of 20 thousands was too much.

This was merely a chapter in my life, the times to come will be MUCH greater & richer…

“Soul-Mate … too little words one big concepts ...”

After meeting my now ex husband, life seemed to be just what it was going to be. Going every day, but never really getting anywhere I wanted to be, which in this case was truly happy.

I went through several births of my sister Amy & my brother Josh’s children. Not skipping a beat when it came to family.

Well, only when it came to his family. I never missed anything. He never wanted to go with me to see mine…Sadly it was the cause of me missing out on lots of family functions in my own family.

My brother Josh joined the army when he was just turning 18. He has been deployed several times throughout the years & returned home (thank God) safely to us. All the while missing EVERY single one of his goodbyes & returns … Nothing made me sadder. What if I had never seen him again? What if, what if... What if?

My brother James has lived in Asheville for most of his life, with his now wife, Stevie. I love them deeply. But rarely made the trip to see them, only living an hour away. They have invited me up & asked me to come visit. Very few birthdays, Christmas’& Thanksgivings I saw them.

You might be wondering “Why?”

Settling into a 2400 sq. ft. home on a quiet street, having parties, gatherings & cookouts was an every weekend thing for us. I had a rocky relationship with my Ex for about 5 years before we tied the knot Oct. 2007.

Our trouble past was nothing short of a haunting in the making.

Drinks, bars, dancing; seemed like we had the life. I had learned a new way of life & lost touch with my Lord..

Through our years we gained some mutual friends. I introduced my friends to him & he introduced me to his.

I had to best friends – am male & female mix. I had been friends with them for years & was pretty comfortable with both of them. Through having babies to getting married, I accompanied them through everything. Something that cannot be replaced in life is relationships. I cherished my time with friends that I had. I needed that time. I need to escape & they were my way out. I guess in that time, I didn’t know Jesus had another plan for me & that if I looked to him for answers first, the outcome would had been much faster & better for everyone.

A few events took place that sent me over the edge & into the arms of myself (figuring out what I want/needed, was going to be more than I could handle).

Being the leading lady in my life had fallen backseat for sometime. It wasn’t time to play that role, but I couldn’t wait to be there.

Deciding to end my marriage & relationship of nearly 7 ½ years wasn’t that hard. Leaving behind all I knew, well that is what took me for a spin.

Having a tough childhood & growing up under all the circumstances I had once overcome, I knew this was going to be no picnic.

Life’s changes, stress, losing friends, leaving behind everything I had come to grow & love, was something I was not well prepared for the journey that I was about to take.

After finding out about my ex’s new life … I felt like a hole had been punched through my heart. . I hit my knees & prayed like I had never before. I cried out to Jesus, “Why Lord, why!?!” “Was it me Lord?” I never understood why things happened. I would soon learn.

It wasn’t long until the Lord had answered my prayers. Only I didn’t know he would send me an angel.

I had met him weeks before, he was washing his car &I was walking my dog. I stopped & asked him a question about another dog I had, a seemingly innocent chat. After which I went home & continued my day to day routine.

After I left & went to my mom’s house, she was staying here for a few months, we went out to eat.

He was sitting across from me & I recognized him that instant. We started talking again, this time about random things. It never came up that I was going through a divorce until after seeing him a few times as friends. Once the secret was out, the tone of our relationship changed. I never knew that he would be the answer to all the prayers I had. Jesus sent me an angel & I now call him my husband & best friend.

Dating him was easy! We had so much fun! He would have taken me to the moon & back if I asked. I felt like I was on top of the world. Nothing could break me…Or could it?

After dating for several months, I started to slip into a very wired state. People would call me & update me on the “where-abouts” of the ex & the girl he moved into our house after I went to my mom’s (I hadn’t moved out before she started staying there, meaning my stuff wasn't even gone, I was though). Or find me on Facebook & tell me about River parties where they had been seen together, while we were in fact still together. I had text messages about things that were being posted on Facebook about me & my life, very hurtful things & very private things. I couldn’t believe that someone could be so petty. My beliefs were changing & they way I saw things that I once reacted to, made me step back a moment to re-think. Things were DEFINITELY changing.

In order to escape I wanted to go home. Go south. So I set out for Tampa, Florida; where I was raised until the age of 11 years old. I was actually born in Hendersonville, NC. I moved a bit as a child with my mother.

I had to leave Brian behind. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye to his hometown life. I had decided this on my own without his input.

I headed towards the Sun & set out on my own.

After gaining ground in Florida & finding my place there. The one good thing I had left behind, found me. He found me J

We were like glue! I was so happy to see him. I had been so sad without him. I kept close to God & kept praying that a door would open to allow him to be with me there & finally they had an opening in his company in Tampa for him to transfer. So transfer he did.

Diving in head first into life in the SunShine State, we had many things to figure out. I was working at a Property Management Company. I was the Executive Assistant. I had the best job there ever could be! Great hours, great pay! I was renting an apartment from my company & we had an awesome rent controlled place. Struggling with money, not so much. We had it pretty good. It was more me than anything that we struggled with.

What had I grown so afraid of? Getting to comfy with our new life? Him being like the one before? I had several issues that I needed to deal with in order to move on from the past. It was still hard. I would be lying if I said I didn’t struggle with all that. Because I did. I had lost everything. My best friends, they were no longer worthy of that title. Belongings that I had worked hard for. A house I put a lot of effort into. A dog I had for 5 years. Things that I deemed so strong. It was hard to let go, let alone forget.

I felt so alone. But I wan't alone at all. I had great friends, whom I had failed to notice that had been there for me through it all. I had a wonderful man in my life, who had given up everything to be with me. I had wonderful family, who loved me no matter what & I had the power love of the Lord. I wan't alone, I finally saw that.

Living in Florida was great! I had the beach at my backdoor. The smell of the ocean whisking through the trees everyday. The Florida sun beating down. It was really amazing. Things I started to miss…my sister. I missed her so much. I missed her kids. I spent A LOT of time with my nieces & nephews. Not just my sister’s children, but also my brother’s kids. They all hold a very special place in my heart, that couldn’t be filled with anything else.

Getting engaged, well I was a little scared to say the least. But it felt right & I knew Jesus wanted that. I wanted to go into a marriage right this time.

If there was a right way to do this, I was going to find out what it was.

Practicing celibacy was not a piece of cake – it was HARD! Rekindling a relationship with God – even harder. But I worked endlessly at this. I knew there was things out there for me, but for me to reach them, I had to be close to God.

Things were going as well as they could be. Living together & trying to be good at the same time was a lot more than we bargained for. But we were determined. We had planned a very elaborate wedding, to take place November 20^th 2010. We were set to be married at a fabulous resort in Pigeon Forge. With only 50 of our closest friends & family to attend I was getting excited & nervous.

I got to have my dream wedding dress – It was amazing. I remember the day it came. I couldn’t stop staring at it. We had pre paid for our honeymoon & bought most of the wedding decorations. We were on our way to “I Do”.

I’m not sure if it would be called a revelation or not, but that’s what I will say it was. I felt something in my heart to tell me to get married sooner than Nov 20^th. I’m not sure if it was logic or love. Or the mere power of the Lord talking to me in my sleep.

I talked this over with the husband to be & he agreed he thought it was a good idea.

We wanted to surprise our family. His mom & dad had helped us so much & were so amazingly understanding at everything we were doing.

So we planned a trip up to the mountains to become man & wife. On our way there, we had learned that a uncle of his had passed away unexpectedly, so we knew our plans for them being able to be there with us were slim. When we arrived, his mother now knowing we were coming, couldn’t have been happier to see her youngest son who had been absent for 8 months or so.

I could tell her tear stained face needed a hug & some good news if we had any. So when we pulled up & to her surprise we told her we were here to get married & that we were going to ask her & Brian’s father to go with us. Considering the circumstances, we didn’t want to be selfish so we ushered her to the car to go be with the family. We knew she needed to be there for her sister.

So off to get married we went J

After having a wonderful time back in NC & making the trip back down to Florida, we decided since the drama had left us & hadn’t been seen or heard from in a while, we thought it was safe to return.

We planned our move back to NC & everything has gone great so far, as we settled back into our old stomping grounds.

Only to my surprise, an old drama queen surfaced & started the Facebook gossip once again, this time worse than ever. When I had been told about something that appeared on the “about me” section of this Facebook page, I looked & there it was. I sat there & cried. AS Brian wiped away my tears, he asked me “Ashley, honey, what’s wrong, why are you crying?” For some reason, I didn’t want to tell him that this upset me; I felt like I was letting them win by being sad about the names I had been called & the way what was written was almost entirely untrue. But it got to me. So I showed him what was happening. Of course him being very protective, he was upset & wanted something to be done, but what could be done? Nothing. It wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth my tears, my pain. Had I not gone through enough? When was this to stop? I moved 650 miles away. I left it all. What else was there to take from me? There was nothing else to break, so there was no use in them looking. So why was it bothering me? Why did it hurt SOOO much?

I think back to the time when I had been so petty & childish. I remembered how I thought then. I can’t help but to think, that is where this person is now. Some people grow up slower than others. Jesus said to pray for our enemies. So pray I did.

After not responding to out lashes at me, then drama seemed to trickle away.

It’s funny now that I see things that were so obvious before. I have to laugh. Ignorance is bliss I guess.

I’ve learned through all of my heartache & pain to let go. To love those who do wrong to us. To pray for those who hurt us, even before we pray for ourselves. So that’s what I did. I prayed to Jesus & asked many questions. As answers were slowing unraveled to me, I started to see clearly. Through everything that has happened, I am exactly where I am supposed to be … “Jesus Bring The Rain” I know when times are dark, I have the Lord as my guide. I know he is holding my hand through it all. He gave me a new life; he gave me a wonderful new family. He brought me closer with my friends (Laurel, Amanda, Ashley, Cheryl,) He reconnected me with my family (Andrea, Josh, James, Amy, My Dad, and My Mother). He has given me many blessings. For everything we go through there is a purpose. We may not always understand what or why. But maybe we aren’t supposed to know everything. There is something so much bigger than any of us. More magical than we can ever imagine. I am so thankful for my life, for my love, for my every blessing. He sent me an angel & here I was hoping to save someone &it was me that needed to be rescued. What had I done to deserve to be so happy? I believed.

“The only place I can go is into your arms …
where I throw to you my feeble prayers,
in brokenness I can see that this was your will for me.
Help me to know you are near…I still believe.”

This blog was about leaving behind old beliefs & holding onto more important ones. Understanding that our mistakes don't define us as people & forgivness is critical.. Life isn't about having the nicest house, clothes or cars. It's not about how many toys you have or the poeple you know. It's not about a fancy degree or trying to prove your better. It's so much more than all of that & if you ever want your "wings" you have to realize that..

I honestly think the Lord gives us wings on Earth. He wants us to be able to navigate Heaven. He wants us to be close to Him. He wants to see us Learning How To Fly…

I can count a million times

People asking me how I

Can praise You with all that I've gone through

The question just amazes me

Can circumstances possibly

Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed

Long before these rainy days

It's never really ever crossed my mind

To turn my back on you, oh Lord

My only shelter from the storm

But instead I draw closer through these times